shiori_makiba: name and butterfly (inoue tsubasa)
[personal profile] shiori_makiba
Secret World
by shiori_makiba / Ashley Weyer
Part of the Berettaflies.
Current Index: http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/10376029.html
Comments and constructive criticism is welcomed.

“Secret World”

It started the second day
she had been awake.
Small at first,
seconds where the world looked strange.
So fast that at first,
she thought that she had imagined it.
Or her eyes were getting irritated
from the hospital lights.
Or something.

Those seconds grew longer.
Until she couldn't pretend that it was nothing.

It wasn't all the time.
Just moments where the world would be
painted in a strange dance of color and light.
Colors that nobody else saw.
Colors that she couldn't see
outside of the flashes.

It was frightening.
She wondered if she was losing her mind
or going blind.
The doctors didn't know either
and started running tests.
Everything was coming up clean,
one big mystery until someone thought to ask SPOON.

It didn't take them long
to come up with an answer.
Butterflies could see in ultraviolet.
And now, sometimes, so could she.
They weren't sure if that ability would remain
something that went on and off or become something that was on all the time.
Time would tell.

Either way, they introduced her to Facet.
He was all too familiar with re-learning
how to see the world.

To be perfectly honest,
those eyes of his creeped her out.
A reaction that Tsubasa was sure
he had experienced all the time.
She couldn't control an instinctive reaction.
But she could control how she behaved
after logic brain overruled instinct brain.

He was helping her.
Being nice and patient
even through he had been hurt and was still recovering.
The least Tsubasa could do was be polite
and look him in the eyes when he spoke.

She found the eyes got less creepy
as you got used to them.
That if you gave yourself a chance to see Facet,
that soon the eyes just became part of his face.
Just Facet.

If you looked carefully,
you might see that the eyes were pretty,
in their own way. A different kind of pretty, perhaps.
But pretty.
Especially when the ultraviolet vision flickered on
and painted those eyes in ways only some of them could see.

Soon the vision changes went
from strange and frightening
to making her itch for her sketchbook.

Whatever else she was and chose to be,
Tsubasa was an artist.
And there was a whole world of hidden beauty
and color waiting to be explored.

EDIT: More fragments changed into something clearer.
EDIT 2: Typo

Thoughts

Date: 2015-11-06 05:52 pm (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
This makes a great introduction to ultraviolet sight. I suspect that it takes time for the new photoreceptive cells to grow in and for her brain to interpret their input. The flickering effect is probably from neurons shouting "Is this thing on?" at each other while trying to stabilize the connections.

>> Those seconds grew longer.
Until she couldn't pretend
that it was nothing. <<

This would read better with the fragment tacked onto the complete sentence ahead of it.

>> They weren't sure if that ability would remain
something that went on and off.
Or become something that was on all the time.
Time would tell. <<

That really needs to be one sentence.

Almost certainly the ability will develop into "always on" just because of how vision works. If it were a pure energy ability, it might turn on and off. Many of the physical powers are continuals, though. Even the ones that can be ramped up like Super-Strength or Super-Speed have a base level of readiness that runs up the metabolism.

>>Either way, they introduced her to Facet.
Who was all too familiar with re-learning
how to see the world.<<

Here's a good opportunity to explore the difference between splicing or rewriting:

Either way, they introduced her to Facet,
who was all too familiar with re-learning
how to see the world.


Either way, they introduced her to Facet.
He was all too familiar with re-learning
how to see the world.


Both work.

>>To be perfectly honest,
those eyes of his creeped her out.
A reaction that Tsubasa was sure
he had experienced all the time.
She couldn't control an instinctive reaction.
But she could control how she behaved
after logic brain overruled instinct brain.<<

Aww!

For Adalina, the effect is similar -- her rational brain disagreeing with her instincts -- but the instinctive aversion is a lot stronger. She is determined to work through it, though.

>>She found the eyes got less creepy
as you got used to them.
That if you gave yourself a chance to see Facet,
that soon the eyes just became part of his face.
Just Facet.<<

Sooth. Some people seem to adapt pretty well to his appearance.

>> And if you looked carefully,
you might see that the eyes were pretty.
In their own way. A different kind of pretty, perhaps.
But pretty.
Especially when the ultraviolet vision flickered on
and painted those eyes in ways only some of them could see.<<

This is a long string of mostly fragments. I suggest splicing it together at least a little:

If you looked carefully,
you might see that the eyes were pretty,
in their own way. A different kind of pretty, perhaps.
But pretty.
Especially when the ultraviolet vision flickered on
and painted those eyes in ways only some of them could see.


>> Soon the vision changes went
from strange and frightening
to making her itch for her sketchbook.

Whatever else she was and choose to be,
Tsubasa was an artist.
And there was a whole world of hidden beauty
and color waiting to be explored. <<

Yay!

Date: 2015-11-07 04:00 pm (UTC)
thnidu: my familiar. "Beanie Baby" -type dragon, red with white wings (Default)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
I like her development here.

Typo:
• Whatever else she was and choose to be,
→ chose

Date: 2015-11-09 08:35 pm (UTC)
stardreamer: Meez headshot (Default)
From: [personal profile] stardreamer
I like the ending of this a lot. Being an artist (in any medium) is often part of a person's core identity if they have it at all, and being a visual artist is going to strongly influence her reaction to this new ability.

Next question, or set of questions: How likely is it that the UV vision is going to be controllable? Will she be able to use it or not at will like Superman's X-Ray Vision? And if so, which one will end up being her default, the way that she normally sees the world unless she makes an effort to engage the other?

I can see her pioneering a new art form, if she can find (or have a gizmologist/chemist make for her) pigments that reproduce the color shift she sees from visible-light to UV vision. Paintings that would look one way with the normal gallery lights on, and different with a drop in the light level plus a UV spotlight.

Re: Good food for thought.

Date: 2015-11-11 09:47 pm (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
Terramagne has UV paints and other items designed for human vision, much like we have here. But they also have a few that are actually designed for soups who see UV light. Not a lot of activity yet, but their potential audience is much bigger than they realize -- people haven't quite caught on that some crayon soups can see UV light.

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